From August until two weeks ago, I was unemployed. It was, by far, the longest stretch of unemployment I’ve ever had since I got a job at 15. I’m 52. It was stressful, financially. I did all the things that long term unemployed people do: drained all my savings, dipped into retirement income, took on debt, blah, blah, blah. And yet, on most days, I was quite content. If I have any regret from the last six months, it’s that I spent so much of my days applying for jobs that never even resulted in an interview. As has been the case for much of my career, I landed in the current job because a recruiter saw my resume and thought I’d be a good fit for the job, so they asked to submit me for it. I meditated a lot this fall and winter, something I’m finding it hard to make time for now that I have a job again. I do brief meditations before and after work, but can only work in long meditations on the weekend. In spite of living a life of debauchery well into my 40s, I’ve been at least somewhat prudent financially. I mean, I did have the savings and retirement money to spend. I managed to get through this without trashing my credit. I didn’t have nearly as much cash available as someone who has made the kind of money I made between 2010 and 2021 should have, probably, but after my divorce the one thing you could say I’ve been conservative about is managing my own finances.
I worked entirely from home from 2016 to 2023. For most of 2014 and all of 2015, I only went into the office maybe once every two to three weeks. Working from home has been the great joy of my working years. I was very attached to it. And well, we all know what attachment leads to: suffering. Well, boy howdy, have I suffered. And I think my willingness to talk about that suffering has alleviated the conditions somewhat. I’ll be working hybrid from now on: 2 days at home, 3 days in the office. A small group of friends has heard me do nothing but whine about going into an office for nearly two weeks. I hate getting up early. I hate wearing shoes. I hate wearing button up shirts. Blah blah blah. Whine, whine, whine.
A couple of days into this, I saw quite clearly what I was doing. I was failing to accept change. I was am caught on my own preferences. I have not been going with the flow. Knowing what I was doing failed to stop me from doing it. I suppose it would be easy to think of this as a setback and to let the self recrimination flow. But much like how the practice of meditation is less about “clearing your mind” than it is about noticing when you are caught in your thoughts and coming back to the breath, the practice of living as informed by this meditation, is realizing when you are caught in the storm of your own preferences and emotions and then coming back to flowing with what life gives you. Rather than say I’ve been being a bad Buddhist, I’ll instead say that I’ve acted unskillfully and now I’ll endeavor to do better.